My Hat

My hat got stuck as I limped into the elevator. Again. And people were staring. You would think that they had never seen a man who limped before. It’s called a cane, it’s really not that novel.

As I walked out of the elevator, hitting my hat on the top of the doorframe, I noticed funny looks from people. But no one was rude enough to say anything, they just kept pointing and whispering and I tried not to acknowledge their rudeness. I cannot believe, in today’s climate, that a gentleman with a bad limp and a cane is cause for that much attention. It is a bit disturbing, I must say.

I reached the appointed room and signed in, receiving a guilty smile from the receptionist. I wondered what she was thinking? Apparently, she had also never seen a man with a bad limp and a cane.

I took my seat and began the painful process of waiting. Hoping that my name will be called next, so I could escape the purgatory that is the waiting room. No such luck. Luckily, I brought food and reading material, as I expected it to be a long, miserable wait. What I did not count on was the constant droning of Sally Jesse Raphael, Judge Judy and Montel Williams. When enveloped in my own little world, these programs simply do not exist, and it is always a rude awakening when I am forcefully subjected to them in a public place. The realization of their existence -and worse yet popularity- never cease to amaze me. I have surveyed all of my friends; I don’t know anyone who would go on one of those shows, so I can never figure out from where they get their ‘guests.’ And who watches this crap? I don’t know that either. Just further proof of the decline of civilization as we know it. Knew it.

After sitting for three hours, someone new came in with a list of names. I was hopeful that I was on the list. I was not so lucky. At the end of the day, they announced that if we were still there, and had not heard our names, we had to come back tomorrow. Talk about horror. I could not imagine going through that agony again, but I had no choice.

The second day started much the same as the first. People staring at the guy with the cane. Hitting my hat on the elevator followed by being unfairly subjected to the lowest possible denominator on TV and in the chairs around me. Nay, lower than the lowest common denominator. Though they were all common, that’s for sure, but they had little in common with me. And these are the people pointing and staring at me, because I have a cane.

I decided to bite the bullet, and asked my neighbor “How long are you in for?”

He said, “I’ve been here for 3 days so far. That guy snoring over there started with me. He was twenty years younger then, of course.”

“Doesn’t the TV blaring that crap bother you?” I asked.

He replied “It used to, but my IQ has decreased by at least fifty points since I’ve been coming here. I rather like it now. My worst fear is that they will call my name before Judge Judy has ruled. You’d be amazed at what you can get used to.”

I looked around. It was like a herd of cattle in there. We had been herded into our individual corrals and encouraged to stay there. If we got up from the chairs, as we had been neatly organized alphabetically and also by size and color, the attendant yelled out to sit back down. I saw one guy get up; it looked like he was pondering escape. The attendant ran over (I would not have thought a creature that big could be so nimble) and sat him back down. His shoes came off in the impact. It looked like the attendant was thinking of strapping him down, but the poor man help up his hands in supplication, and the attendant relented.

Oh….someone new with a list of names. Everyone sat at attention, hoping for sweet release.

Low and behold, they finally called my name. I was about to go into the inner sanctum, leaving Sally, Judy and Montel behind (I hoped). I was allowed to get up, and headed toward the door, to yet more whispering and snickering. I am still struck by the gall of these people. But they may be close personal friends of Judy, Sally and Montel and I certainly have them beat there.

I was told to go sit in a box along with a few fellow travelers. We were asked a series of questions. Others were taking notes. This was important stuff. We were being videotaped as well, so I tried to keep my good side to the camera. That was hard, because the camera was on the left side of the room, and my best side is definitely my right. I sat owl-like, with my head turned as close to 180 degrees as possible.

When it came my turn, it was very hard to answer their questions, while facing the camera with my good side, but I did my best. I think they appreciated my efforts. They asked if I had ever been on a jury before, did I study law (I am fairly certain that excepted Judge Judy in the waiting room), did I have any relatives who were law enforcement officers? They also asked about the nature of my disability, though I am not sure why. Why is everyone so interested in my cane? I gave them the short version, which included a dog, stairs, a hair dryer, cocoa butter and a rocking chair. It did not include hemp plants, doorknobs or sheet metal. They didn’t even flinch.

It appears that I was selected, but then I was asked if I would permit being sworn in on the King James Bible. Reaching under my wizard hat (which of course matched my magnificent robes), I pulled out my bible….Aqualung by Jethro Tull. And asked them to proceed.



Copyright 2007 Antigone Lett. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.