Lewie Part II

Lewie’s jaw hit the ground. He couldn’t believe that anyone would intentionally place someone else in a coffin, claim they were Jewish so they wouldn’t be embalmed (risking notice of the warmth of her blood) and would be in the ground within twenty-four hours, to be dead soon after. He was floored by the cowardice of the act- they didn’t have the nerve to actually kill her, to get blood on their hands, but would let her die a slow and miserable death, gasping for the last molecule of oxygen in the wooden box beneath six feet of dirt. He could not believe that anyone could possibly be worthy of such a miserable death and fell immediately in love with poor little Gloria. It was a very brief love affair.

He realized that he was staring at Gloria. And that Gloria was buried in just a shroud. She stood directly in front of him, buck naked, hyperventilating into the shroud.

His love affair with Gloria came to a crashing halt when Gloria saw him staring and looked down at herself. Then she hid behind a coffin in self-defense. However, it was the virtual slap to the face that she needed to help both lungs and brain return to normal function.

“Stop looking at me! I was unconscious! I did not get to choose my funeral attire. At least I have this lovely shroud. I’m surprised that the miserable bastards paid for such extravagance. Maybe the Rabbi threw it in as part of the $99 funeral package deal that they probably got at Costco.”

Gloria announced to Lewie that they had two problems: one—she needed clothes immediately; and two—she needed food Sooner than immediately. She had not eaten in the past two days, what with the chaos of ‘dying’ and all. Being a man, Lewie had a solution to both problems. They would order a pizza to be delivered to the funeral home and while waiting for it, would unseal old lady MacComber, again, to get her clothes for Gloria.

“Don’t you think it might seem funny to have pizza delivered to a closed funeral parlor at midnight?” Said Gloria.

Lewie had not thought about that. Pizza was definitely out, as he had no cash and paying for a pizza, if they could find one at that hour, with a credit card while in the process of stealing from the dead struck him as a bad idea.

Gloria said “Hurry up, get the clothes and stop looking at me.”

Lewie dutifully pried open the coffin nearest him for the last time. He was not taking the care that he usually took in his work. He was rattled. This evening began as countless others and then it took a turn south into territory he had never even considered.

After several minutes of wrestling with the unrelenting occupant, he threw her dress over to Gloria. He looked for shoes, but as the coffins are only open from the waist up, apparently, folks don’t need shoes to complete their ensemble and Gloria would have to go without.

She screeched upon the dress's impact. He was not sure if it was because it scared her, it smelled like formaldehyde, or because it was covered in giant hideous flowers and eight sizes too large. Maybe it was all three. Great, now they had another problem. They had solved the clothing issue just to make her look like a clown. There wasn’t time to shop through the rest of the caskets and it was taking all that Lewie had to concentrate on closing the casket of the newly disrobed Mrs. MacComber. He had to seal that one back up and do it well, and then remove all traces of their convergence in the funeral parlor that night. The last thing he needed was to have someone notice something and start opening coffins.

When he had gathered everything up, including Gloria and her yards of foul-smelling, magenta fabric, they went to the door. Then he went back through the place, wiping off fingerprints, picking up slivers of wood from their combined efforts and making sure that everything looked exactly as it did when he climbed through the basement window. He took one last look around (it’s much easier to use the door from the inside) and was startled to see the Gloria’s shroud draped over her coffin. He grabbed it, took another, longer look and then decided that were good to go.

They stepped out into the dawn light. Gloria was happy to breathe fresh air, as the formaldehyde was starting to take its toll on her brain cells. Lewie was excited that the long night was finally over and he could be free of her. However, she followed him to his car.
"
Where do you think you’re going?” Lewie asked.

“With you- to get some food, but first something better to wear. Let’s go to your place, you must have sweats that I can wear that would look and smell better than this mumu.” She replied.

Lewie was conflicted, he hadn’t left the house thinking that his entire life would change in the time he was away, but that seemed to be what had happened. Gloria pointed out that she had nothing and no one and he was her savior. She even threw out that saying ‘if you save someone’s life, you’re responsible for them for the rest of their lives’. Lewie was starting to get scared. Luckily, Gloria’s take-no-prisoners personality guided them.

“First to your place to get some decent clothes and burn this thing, and to get something to wear on my feet. Then food. Lots of it. We can get to know each other over dinner. Or breakfast, whatever meal you’d call it at this hour.” Said Gloria.

Lewie obediently did as he was told. He even opened the car door for the magenta mumu, though his mind was spinning out of control.

He took her to his house, or rather his hole, and she was not impressed. Or, she was impressed, but not in a good way. It was obvious by the way she held her nose and tiptoed through the place, trying desperately not to touch anything. After perusing his closet—most of which was arrayed on the floor in various states of clean—she decided that the magenta mumu wasn’t so bad after all, but she did grab a pair of cleanish-looking tube socks and some not remotely clean-looking sneakers to complete her ensemble.

Her wardrobe complete and fast losing her two-days without-food appetite, they headed out for breakfast. Lewie told her that he only had $20 and that would have to cover them for breakfast, as the fence that he used for his good didn’t open until 10AM. Even then, he didn’t have more than $150 worth of merchandise. Most folks aren’t buried with their high-ticket electronics, you know. He had very little cash, with not much more in sight. He could usually scrape by, but it would be tough for two of them to scrape by especially if one of them was used to eating regularly.

Luckily, Gloria was a resourceful woman and an expert con; she was not worried about money, only about breakfast and replacing the mumu. She was confident that they would easily survive, and would eat three times a day. Maybe even four. She decided that she was the best thing that had ever happened to Lewie. She just had to make him see that.

Copyright 2008 Antigone Lett. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.