The 'Holiday" Party

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Let me preface this by saying that this is a departure from my usual Epic. All epics to date have been fiction- something made up from the depths of my twisted mind. This epic, despite being funny, is NON-FICTION. Nothing in this epic is spun form thin air, or even exaggerated. I want to make that very, very clear. The only thing that is not 100% true is the actual timing of the events…I did not track how long each segment lasted, so those times are approximations only. Everything else really happened as I described it.



It was my first year with the company so I did not know what to expect. There were some warning signs, signs that I blithely ignored. I ignored all of the warnings until it was too late. Much too late. I really have to learn to listen to my intuition. And my co-workers.

The first e-mail said the ‘Holiday’ party would be held in mid-January. DING! DING! DING!!! What??? Maybe they picked that date so that they could get the Christmas favors on sale at 75% off? It seems likely, knowing this firm. Maybe the January dates were half-price? That was the first clue to which I should have paid more attention. I should have surveyed my friends to see if they had ever had their company Christmas parties in January. If none of them said yes, I should have RSVP’d NO. I should have heeded the alarm bells. However, it was a free dinner, with two free drinks per person and it was just ten minutes from home. We really did not have anything better to do. At least that’s what we thought. We were wrong.

The second e-mail gave us five pages of complicated instructions for the casino games. Seriously? Holy crap, how hard is it to play name that tune? Or trivia? And are they kidding….are you smarter than a fifth grader. They need five pages of instructions for these games. I am not sure that the folks putting it all together ARE smarter than a fifth grader. That was another warning that I ignored at my peril. DING! DING! DING!

A few weeks ago, I heard that my co-worker, a member on the organizing committee was going cube to cube trying to get people to sign up for the party. Apparently, there was not a crush of folks signing up for the January ‘Holiday’ party (it was close to Martin Luther King’s birthday, they could have changed the theme). I was hoping that the strong-arm tactic was working, because I did not want to be the only one at the party. By the week of the party, I heard that a full one-third of my fellow employees could fit our annual holiday event into their January schedules. DING! DING! DING!!! As far as my ever-dwindling department went, seven out of ten of us were planning to attend. Of course, of those seven, one left the company the Friday before and one was headed to the middle east on a temporary assignment on Monday, so that makes it five of eight folks, so way more than half. One boss would be there, one had found something better to do. But at least I would know people there.

A veteran co-worker (meaning a veteran of previous “Holiday parties”) told me that the grand prize in the employee raffle (must be present to win) was two airline tickets to Europe. Have you priced European travel lately? That would be worth winning, of that there is no doubt. I decided that I would be very lucky that night and win the tickets.

Upon arrival at the fancy hotel ballroom, I realized they did not choose this date for the sale-priced festive decorations, as there are no decorations at all. But, we did get our two drink tickets per person—pooled together, those tickets saved at least one of our lives and possibly a marriage. Luckily, the company sprung for as much water and juice as we could drink, on top of the two beers/alcoholic drinks each. That was nice of them. Ever the faithful spouse, I promptly hand my tickets over.

I sought out my coworkers and we grabbed a spot at a table. The buffet dinner was on, so we dug in. The food was good and though we did not have the gift of foresight to know that this was definitely the highlight of the evening. One ticket gone. From there, while eating, we could peruse the sparse crowd to see who was present. I saw my boss making the rounds, much like a used car salesman. I even heard him, when introduced to someone’s daughter, make the comment that they looked like sisters... Really. I asked about the company president, as I had not seen him. The reason I had not seen him was…..because he was not there. DING! DING! DING!!!! WHAT? The company ‘Holiday’ party and the friggin President of the company could not be bothered to attend! That is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here and why are we here again? Two drink tickets down.

After dinner, which was good, as I said, we decided to check out the extremely complicated casino games to see if they were playable despite the extensive rules. We landed at the Name That Tune table and despite the rules, we were able to catch on and have a good time. And we won. One of the big draws for the casino games was to get extra tickets for the games raffle, which would allegedly take place between 8:30 and 9:15. After I won the final round, for $40,000, we pooled our winnings and scored eight tickets for the raffle. We were feeling lucky. We had no way of knowing that our luck had just run out. Three drink tickets gone.

An announcement was made, and people settled down at their tables, expecting something to happen. Nothing did. No desserts filled the dessert table, nothing was going on on the stage, we all sat down and looked around. This awkward silence lasted for several minutes. Nothing. We did not appreciate the nothingness nearly enough, as what followed, when it followed, was just painful.

After a lull, two senior folks at the firm appeared with socks on their heads, introduced as Howie and Mandell accompanied by a video game projection of the game show “Deal or No Deal”. I do not know about most people, but I have never seen the show, though I wrote it off as soon as I heard of it, as it sounded really stupid. I hate Howie Mandell, and anything he has ever done. So I was not thrilled by this segment of the evening’s entertainment. They selected five “winners” from the game raffle tickets pot. If they had called my number, I would have eaten that ticket and not claimed my spot. This segment went on for at least thirty minutes, likely much longer. It felt like a week of looking at our tablemates asking who thought this would be funny and why. We had not yet hit the low point. This was just the midpoint, though we did not know it then.

Some of the rowdier (more drunk and/or more obnoxious) folks kept yelling DEAL whenever they had the chance in order to encourage our five co-workers up there to take the deal, any deal, just to MAKE IT STOP. They even had a prop phone on which to ‘call’ the banker, which I presume is a big part of the show. The DEAL yelling at the contestants didn’t work at all- those contestants were greedy, they were holding out for a better deal (after wasting more than half an hour of everyone’s lives- time we will never get back- they eventually settled for $40 each. We got nothing.). Our table considered passing the hat around the one hundred or so folks still in the room in order to raise enough money for the greedy contestants so that we could MAKE IT STOP.

Here is what the schedule said: 8:30-9:15- Welcome, Table Game Prizes, SNC "Roast", & All-Employee Raffle Drawings. It should have said: Hopefully you have had several drinks by now and will laugh at anything. In addition, the waiters have removed all sharp implements, including glasses, as you may be tempted to break one to slit your own throat if there isn’t a butter knife within reach. It will be that bad.

There began the longest, most painful part of the evening. We could have only hoped for a better option like Novocain-free root canals in the corner. That would have been a lot funnier that what we had to face. We were still sticking it out for the promise of the airlines tickets and additional raffle tickets. How bad could it be? Actually, it could be really, really bad.

One of the old-timers at the firm, he’s probably been there since the very beginning got up and stage and the paid emcee handed him a microphone (mental note- the professionals should NEVER hand the mic over to an amateur. Never.). That was a terrible mistake and we all paid for it for an hour or so. He cracked a few okay jokes- mostly inside jokes that a small number of people laughed at while most spouses (and many additional employees) just looked bewildered.

Then he pulled up a chair and settled in. Apparently, someone, somewhere, had told him that he was a funny guy and he took it to heart. He had several pages of prepared material that he read, despite the tepid reaction/non-reaction of the crowd. One must applaud his tenacity, as he did not let the lack of interest, or humor, stop him for a second. He kept right on, reading old jokes, inside jokes, and even….a religious joke, with a peppering of offensive (to someone, there is no doubt) material thrown in now and again to keep up appearances, or something. Fourth ticket gone.

The emcee, (the only entertaining person who was ever NEAR the stage) sought out the head of Human Resources and his spouse and made them come sit directly in front of the stage. I think this was after the religious joke. He must have thought they should have ringside seats to the off-color commentary that could result in one, or several, lawsuits. They were stuck sitting there for over an hour. Despite being HR people, I felt for them.

After three lifetimes of this torment, it ended…..when someone told him he had a phone call and he left via stage right. We could only hope that whatever it was that he was setting up for was better than the previous part of the act, but had no reason to think that it would be. Our low expectations were met, as he came out as Carnac the Magnificent. Yes, that OLD Johnny Carson persona. Now, half of the folks at the party were probably born after 1975 and might have heard of Johnny Carson….but they probably never heard of Carnac the Magnificent. Frankly, those skits were not funny even when Johnny was doing them, but because he was Johnny Carson and spent much of his time laughing at himself, they were watchable. Not so much for the imposter fifteen years after he went off the air. However, people hung in there to win the tickets to Europe. That was the thread that we were all clinging to. Our reason for not poking our eyes out with the stray forks, or running screaming from the banquet room. That took a lot of discipline on all of our parts.

Now, we were out of drink coupons and the only alternative was to pony up $7 for a beer to survive the next leg of the ‘entertainment’. Trust me, there was nothing this evening that anyone would have wanted to pay for. Unless you were a pal of the AWOL President’s administrative assistant, as she was, subtly, I am sure she thought, handing out extra drink coupons like candy to her friends. I was sitting with my back to her (and I do not know her), but was facing her back for any part of the entertainment that I could bear to watch and I saw many tickets change hands. So I asked my co-worker (who had already given away her tickets) to ask her for some, as she knew her. She did, and while giving them to me she told me that the admin apparently was not very happy about it. Hmmmmm. How could that problem have been avoided? Let me think…. One of the new tickets gone.

So, now Carnac is finishing his painful episode and we all applaud that he is on the last joke. We applauded heartily as the torture is about to end. Then someone else gets up and says they are going to draw for the employee prizes (different from the prizes we can win with the tickets we won from the casino games). They draw three names; no one at my table wins any of the prizes. The folks that do are now happy that they spent the last hour and a half being tortured, as they have something to show for it. The rest of us start the stampede to the doors. Some people hold out for the door prize drawings, as we have many tickets, and now drink tickets too.

The folks who did not just win a trip to Europe are now wondering why this was a better option than staying home and braiding the dogs’ hair after giving them flea baths. The rest of us await the drawing of the other raffle tickets. The invite said: You can cash in your chips at anytime to redeem raffle tickets to win one of the door prizes: 5,000 in chips can be traded for 1 raffle ticket. Come early, play the tables... and double or triple your chances of winning one of the prizes! We had eight tickets, and by now had picked up a few more from folks who had fled in pain.

Shortly after 10, the music started and the dancing began. The very first song that they played was Celebration by Kool and the Gang. At least we laughed for the first time in the past 3 weeks. Now the DJ had been here all night and I suspect that he was paid for every hour he was present. So, the logic of paying them not to play music while the amateurs spent over an hour and a half torturing us, I have no idea. Doesn’t seem like the best business decision to me but that is why I am a lowly peon and now making the big bucks…….

Once the music started, those who did not flee the building after they did not win the airline tickets flocked to the dance floor. There were many folks out there for the initial songs, which included the requisite “YMCA”. The emcee (he had been drinking free all night to ease his pain and was quite funny) pointed out that he had never seen an event before where folks insisted on dancing in a big circle. All the time. For some reason, soon after, the circle broke up and people seemed to be dancing in the more traditional groupings.

We stuck it out for a little longer, hopeful that someone will remember the container full of door prize ticket stubs. At least to finish off yet another drink coupon. Most everyone was gone by now, so if they ever do the drawings, the three people left will do quite well. We headed out and my spouse no longer thought that I was exaggerating when I told him some of the unbelievable things that happen (or don’t happen) at work all of the time. It all made sense to him now, as the party was a perfect example of our corporate culture.

And, I guess, if you do the math, that we did triple our chances of winning the door prizes- since they NEVER drew any raffle tickets and 3x0=0 and our chance of winning without the additional tickets was 0, so hell, we increased our chances of winning the door prizes by infinity. We still left empty handed. With a blood-sworn vow that we would NOT make the mistake of attending such a train-wreck of an event again.

The moral of the story is: listen to your intuition and your co-workers (and all accompanying alarm bells). I was very jealous of those of you who had better things to do. Or, who did not want to go and never claimed to have better things to do, because, no matter what you were doing, you had more fun and far less pain than we did.