The Quest

Nestor Livingston’s senses were heightened; every nerve was on high alert. This would be the fight or flight reflex that we’ve all heard about all of our lives. He was ready. And he was sure that this time, he’d fight. He was tired of turning tail and running away. Again and again. And again.

After his embarrassing retreat the last time, Nestor had been steeling his mind. Working on the iron control required to overcome his body’s natural reflexes. He had spent a lot of time in the self-help section of the library and in Half Price Books. He had bought, or stolen, just about every book out there that might be of value. However, for every book of value, there must be 2,500 other books that are just crap. It’s time consuming to sort through them all for the cream of the crop.

He started with The Self-esteem Companion: Simple Exercises to Help You Challenge Your Inner Critic & Celebrate Your Personal Strengths and if that didn’t work, there were 137,615 other books—one of them was bound to help him. He opened it up. The book said that he was supposed to take a personal inventory and analyze himself—the before picture, if you will. He wasn’t interested in that kind of research. He needed a book that would tell him what to do, without making him think. The last person he wanted to get to know better was Nestor. He found himself to be a creepy dude.

He re-shelved that one with the diet books. He figured someone would latch onto it in blind relief that it wasn’t a diet book and maybe the sad sacks searching for diet help would be happy to grab onto something that celebrates their personal strengths and lets them forget their weakness, which I presume is anything in, on, or even within three blocks of a grocery store. Or a mini-mart.

Next up: You Don't Have to Learn Everything the Hard Way: What I Wish Someone Had Told Me. Well, that sounded promising. He flipped through it. Great pictures, mostly of car accidents—that must be the “don’t do this” section. Apparently, the author had spent their lifetime personifying the word “loser” and has only now decided that there was a way to capitalize on it. Or, more likely, the most recent in a long, long, long series of therapists couldn’t possibly take another session, and suggested that the epitome of losers should start writing things down, in order to avoid being forced to jump out the window during the loser’s final session.

Nestor filed that one in the children’s section. Where else to put a book that is supposed to save people from making dumb-ass mistakes in life? If it’s not kids reading it, then it’s probably already too late, cause the odds are that if someone’s shopping in that section for the store, that they’ve already made at least a few of the biggies and are desperately seeking for the rewind button.

The next book that he grabbed was Self-Help Approaches for Obesity and Eating Disorders: Research and Practice. He wasn’t remotely interested in that one, but was sure it should be relocated to the cookbook section. Just for kicks. Nestor was certain that someone would find that funny. He did, anyway.

This one was funny, Button Therapy: The Button Therapy Book: How to Work on Your Buttons and the Button-Pushers in Your Life -- A Practical Psychological Self-Help Book & ... Manual for Mental Health Professionals. Well, clearly that had to go in the sewing section. Who doesn’t need a little button therapy? It had buttons sewn on the cover. Just a little creepy. And, if anyone knows creepy, it’s Nestor.

The next one may have been the best one: How an Idiot Writes a Self-help Book. He wasn’t making that up—go to Amazon.com and see for yourself. It was a picture book. Apparently, the idiot that the author had in mind was illiterate. I don’t know how the author thought they would find the book if they couldn’t read, but maybe they thought that the idiot’s companion monkey would select it for the idiot. And they might. That got filed in the ‘How to write a best selling novel’ section. It seemed appropriate.

Ohh, he found a fun one. Stay Sober and Straight: How to Prevent Addiction Relapse with the Rational Self-Help Treatment Method. That one is definitely going in the cocktail recipe book section. And they do have such a section. He thought that the alcoholics would really appreciate that little reminder when they’re looking for new tributaries for their rivers of denial.

Next up, The Incredible Marketing, Success Principles and Inner Game for Self-help Books Businesses 3 CD Power Pack. That clearly was headed to the Bankruptcy section. DOUGH! Hey, if you can’t find something to laugh about as your world crashes around your ears, you need an attitude adjustment. He was sure the destitute would appreciate a laugh before they go home and put the hose in the tailpipe.

Last, but not least, Help Yourself Slow Down the Pace: A Self-Help Program for Workaholics (The Help Yourself Audio Series). This should definitely be in with the how to find a job/resume section. He thought it would be a nice taunting for the unemployed.

Of course, he was a regular in most of the self-help sections, so he would probably be the only one to notice the paradoxes. But that’s okay, as long as he was amused.

Back to the purpose of the visit to the bookstore. In addition to speed-reading the perfect book (Evelyn Wood style, of course), he was really going to talk to her this time.

Candy Samples was working the register. He had loved her from afar for so long. This time, with the newly found confidence from Dating for Losers, for Men Only: An Uncensored Politically Incorrect Self-Help Guide to Meeting and Dating Women he could do it. Not that he considered himself a loser, he knew he was a winner, mostly because he told himself that every day while looking in the mirror and smiling at himself. Even he found that a little freaky, but the book said that women find it irresistible. He was sure that he could talk to her this time.

He was getting closer to the front of the line. He was starting to sweat. Profusely. Probably no one would notice. The book that he was actually buying, The DaVinci Code, was a best seller, so he thought he’d open with discussion about that. Of course, he had bought the DaVinci Code from her every week for the last 3 months. From what he gathered, everyone had read that book, so he should be able to ask her about it. One of these days.

He was next. He had his money out and was beginning to feel that sick feeling in his stomach… hurry up. Oh oh…despite the superior mind control of a monkey in crack rehab, it wasn’t working. One of the signs of the flight reflex was the very full bladder that would not be contained. Nestor was left with the usual option—throw down a twenty-dollar bill and run, hoping to get to the car before anyone noticed the wet spot in his pants.


Author's note- all book titles are real- culled from Amazon.com. I cannot take credit for the titles, not even the button one, or 'how an idiot writes a self-help book', (though I just assumed that it was a picture book, I did not confirm).

Copyright 2007 Antigone Lett. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.